ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
john wicks are toilet candles
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”