I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
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If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Pandas 🐼🖤
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis