[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
how much for the angry fruit?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane