[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.