In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?