i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
You Might Also Like
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
this makes me so uncomfortable