Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
You Might Also Like
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
それは草
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.