Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!