Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I bet
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5