me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart