The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.