Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence