“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Finally, an explanation.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
every college guy’s fridge
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Festive toon…
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year