SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
😅🤣😂
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
What number SPF blocks people?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.