How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER