shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
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Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.