[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.