My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
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Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Banana is the quietest snack
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
What about a To-Don’t List?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled