Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Catercrombie & Fish
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business