Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
this could fix me
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Match dot com, but for socks.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.