Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies