Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
You Might Also Like
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Oh. My. God.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Can. I. Help. You.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.