Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
what could possibly go wrong?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.