Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
what
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”