(2022)
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For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
The days of good grammer has went
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.