13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me