Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
This is the one
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes