You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.