reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
#dnd #ttrpg
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
fourth time’s the charm
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.