“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌