i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
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Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…