Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.