Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
dogs can find happiness so easily
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad