It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.