Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
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What’s this sorcery? 😂
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware