HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
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My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Me, in DM rooms…
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
become ungovernable
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.