went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*Inspirational Tweets*
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask