I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need