Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”