My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
RT if you could go either way.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?