Meow
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something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
A man of commitment.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.