[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.