Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
worst…sale…ever
I bet birds love this building.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Me irl
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
water it, i dare you
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too