Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Just this preview of the story is enough
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
“what that mouth do?” complain