<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
a fate I wish upon no one
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.