My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
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Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”