[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.