He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us