[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
You Might Also Like
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
stop
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
The internet is magic sometimes.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.