[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
When you’ve simply given up.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
This is my pinned tweet
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.